Way back, almost a millenium ago, the tuetonic plates that sit below our land and seas meant that our european neighbours were far closer than they are today. In fact France, Belgium and Spain were London suburbs. The wet divide we know call the English Channel was little wider than the Thames is today. 

This particulary grated a little known french man by the name of Norman who promptly turned his 2CV upside down and rowed it across the salty river. After a few bottles of red wine and a quick walk down to the sussex coast he promptly stuck one in the eye of king Harold. He was so pleased with himself that he drank some more wine and threw up on the carpet. Thus the Bayern tapestry was created.

For several years Normans’ chums drank wine, built churches and created the foundations of modern law. That is until saxoviking had had enough and pushed them back across the wet divide. Thankfully the tuetonic plates moved France further away and the 2cv’s sank long before getting back.

Several squirmishes followed, as the English forged ahead with boat building technology. Most notably Argincourt and Crecy fell to the longbow, ensuring that the french remained at home eating pastries.

Now by the 1800’s they’d got a bit tired of Johnny English popping across for some cheap beers. So angered were they, that a little known man, who was named after some multi coloured ice cream decided to bring an end to it. There followed ferocious battles both on land and sea. Little Napolean had conquered much of the former English suburbs by the time of Trafalger, and was feeling so confident that he gave Lord Admiral Nelson Mandella a poke in the eye. This upset some Brits a bit so they promptly gave the infidels a bloody nose and sent them packing.

After this relations progressed, and the French returned to wine and getting rid of their nobilty. In fact things become so good that in 1914 we sent a few boys across to help them out with their German enemy. In 1918 some of our boys even came back.

This was only a temporary measure, as the Austrian with the dodgy moustache, and a fondness for four seater convertables decided to pop back into France for an expresso and some paintings. This time the germans were a bit better prepared and hung around for 6 years. It took the plucky brits a few goes to get them out and needed some help from those who favour a big mac.

So where are we now? Well Wiggo and his side burns have shown them how to ride a bicycle, and just in case they forget, a few of our friends are popping across next week to remind them. This raises several questions.

Will the hills be steep enough for Jim?

What tune will the tandem be dancing to?

Has Dod got his spoke spanner?

Will be Pete be sending back a postcard with some kind words?

Will Graham be far enough ahead to get in a couple of “grand wife beaters”?

These questions probably wont be answered, but you can give them a good send off by joining them on Sunday morning for their final ride before they depart. Here’s the route.


Now before I go here’s some news about a little social gathering so that we can get together and discuss what we’d like from the club and just have a general jolly. It will be on Wednesday 26th September at the Rose and Crown, and as a thankyou to all the Velos a complimentary buffet will be provided. Please email back if you can make it, so we can have an idea of numbers. There won’t be any cidre though.

2 thoughts on “NORMAN CONQUEST

  1. A sunday ride published on a friday? Harrumph harrumph, what is this club coming to etc etc, I will be there in spirit and when summer work commitments finish I will be there in body too.

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