Thanks to the acidic nature of polar bear urine, and a rather large bonfire in Ivinghoe every November, I understand that the polar ice caps are melting. As a consequence of this the river Bulbourne, and the Avon and Kennet canal, are now 7m above their normal levels. On the news we see people in a state of perpetual surprise as they try to protect their homes whilst some chap paddles by in his canoe offering to pick up their shopping.

For me this is as much of a surprise as snow in winter, and it seems rather odd that the poor soles seem to get caught out regularly when there’s a bit of excess water about. Just to be certain of my facts I’ve taken a look at Pathe News and I can confirm that whilst the Luftwaffe were busy knocking six bells out of old Londinium there people going past in their canoes. I’ve also taken a look at some of the cinema advertising from the 70’s, and what strikes me most, aside from the Pearl and Dean music, is the amount of canoes being sold.

So what can I deduce from this extensive research? Well flooding is not new. So to help out those affected by it, I’ve got a couple of tips to help you get by:

(1) It doesn’t matter how many sandbags you put outside your front door, the water is going to get in. You may feel heroic in your efforts, but they’ll be in vain. You’ve a couple of options, either move upstairs and leave the goldfish to it, or live on hill.

(2) If the water level is upto the car wheels, remember your vehicle is more like a submarine than a boat, so its time to stop and get out. The steering wheel and brakes don’t work underwater, unless you have a Lotus Esprit.

(3) Buy a canoe, at least then, when the news from nowhere near where you live, comes on you’ll get your 15 minutes of fame.

Now if your a Vinghoe Velo you’ll be made of hardy stuff, rivers and floods aren’t going to deter you. This is good news really because this weeks ride takes us through Andrew’s stream. Beware it be slippery on the bottom. Enjoy!

This weeks ride