This title is of course a lie, however I am pleased to report that what follows is entirely based on mythology, ideology, theology, conjecture and subjective analysis. 

Today brought the first snow fall of the season, giving a light and bright covering. It must be said though, for the typical crusty big nosed vinghoe velo this won’t have been the first white powder they have seen. But let us not simply judge our club by the drug taking, excessive alcohhol consumption, tea drinking and gratuitous sex, we also like a good ride. 

The snow reminds us that Christmas is almost upon us. Now many will be looking forward to presents, excessive consumption, and a good feed. Others will remind us that there is more to christmas, and we should remember the true meaning. As I don’t what this is you’ll be getting no more of that stuff from me. 

Over the past year we have provided much in the way of a public service. Topics have included finance, safety and other items that I cannot remember. This week I am pleased to answer the following question heard many times recently………….

“Doctor Gary, purveyor of fine arts and part time chef, what should the average Vinghoe Velo Fatlete do to maintain their peak condition during the indulgent festivities?”

Clearly the obvious answer is to have lots of it, but there is more to it than that. As a man of science I believe it my civic duty to provide you with a more insightful understanding. So what follows is my advise on the most appropriate diet for this challenging time. All is offered in my professional capacity.

Firstly fluids. There are no real no no’s on this one as long as the minimum alcohol content is 3.5%. Anything lower and you mayfind that body temperature swings could result in a drastic lowering of your core body temperature.

At this time of year Slo gin is a very popular apperitif, and comes highly recommended. If ,however, you are looking to get ahead of the pack in the new year, then the velo alternative is anti-slo gin. Simply add full fat redbull and a few extra measures of gin.

Supplies running low? The good news here is that the Rose and Crown will provide a daily surgery and pharmacy service during this period.

Well that’s the drink sorted, but what about the food. Well this is a minefield so study closely.

Mince Pies. These are a deceptive little treat. Some will say that the fruity contents provide an essential part of your five a day. This just Nazi propaganda. So what should the finely honed fatlete that is used to getting high performance from a limited nutrition base to do? More good news, abstinance is not required. Simply scrape out and discard the fruity filling leaving you with the pastry and the sugary top. Eat as many as you want.

And too accompany your minceless pie? Cream of course and the full fat variety at that. In case you don’t know cream is generally made from cows milk. So what’s the benefit of this then? Well did you ever see a cow fall of a bicycle? No. So cream is obviously the best aid to enhancing balance.

If your looking to get a little more from your cream then I recommend the brandy version. This provides valuable protection from hyperthermia, and with the slight chill that might be around, could just provide you with necessary edge. Let me remind you that the difference between Scott and Amundson, if you ignore the training, clothes, skis and dogs, was a drop of brandy.

What about the turkey? This is a bit neutral for us, but the best versions are those that are indoor reared and forse fed. So if you’re gonna have some then have lots and make sure it’s accompanied by the supplements recommended here.

Cranberry sauce. Well if the popular press is to be believed, then these little devils are the next suoerfood. Best avoided then.

 Roast Potatoes, now we’re back on course. These must be cooked in goose fat. Having trouble getting goose fat? Avoid the canal, they stock it in Waitrose, and probably other supermarkets. The benefits? Similar to brandy in preventing hyperthermia. After all if a goose can stay on water all year round, then it has to be good for you.

Brussell sprouts. I am afraid that I am unable to profer a typical cheap joke for this delightful little cabbage.

Christmas Pudding. We’re getting a bit close to the mince pies with this, however the significant sugar included as part of the recipe combined with the various supplementary ingredients above will mean this can be part of your imbalanced diet.

This, hopefully, has given you some assurances that you can make it through this challenging period. So now to this weeks rides.

What about a festive cigar? Well if that’s your vice, well it did no harm to Sir Jimmy.

Long Ride

Short Ride  

So ride, ride like the wind (cheap sprout joke).

Disclaimer: If you believe any of the above and follow the recomendations your stupid and deserve any of the consequences that may result.

I’m now of to sort out the french economy. Good night.